Michael and I were up at our usual time – 6 a.m. – with little room to spare. He needed to leave for work in just 15 minutes. I was in the kitchen preparing his lunch for work. He was busy on the computer. I knew that he didn’t have much time and I began to wonder what he was doing. Then I realized that he was paying the bills.
“Why didn’t he just ask me to do it?” I began to think. “Does he think I’m dumb? Doesn’t he trust me?” I began to get angry and agitated.
After 15 minutes he walked into the kitchen.
“Were you just paying the bills?”
“Why didn’t you let me pay them? Don’t you think I’m smart enough?”
For years I was the one who paid the bills until about 5 years ago when we both decided it would be good for him to begin handling it. It was perfectly fine with me – one less thing for me to do.
“I always pay the bills.”
“Yes, but you were in a rush and hardly had any time.” Now, I was feeling insecure. What did he really think of me?
Michael just smiled and gave me a good-bye kiss.
Then the thoughts began: “He thinks I’m dumb. He thinks I’m not smart enough to pay the bills. Maybe everyone thinks I am dumb. Maybe I really am not as smart as others. What do others think about me?”
I knew that this line of thinking was wrong. I put on the Armor of God. I spoke my bible verses. I began praising God. Yet this one thought continued to permeate my mind. “Am I dumb?” This went on for hours. My mind was now in torment. I felt that I was going insane https://jackieosinski.wordpress.com/2013/10/10/when-you-feel-like-you-are-going-insane/ I couldn’t think straight. I felt completely out of control and deeply troubled in my thinking. I became despondent.
I cried out to God. Finally about noon He spoke:
“You have a crack in your Armor. Just by allowing that one wrong thought you gave the devil a legal right to come in and set up camp. Just one wrong thought that is allowed to fester in a person’s mind can lead them to torment. This is what brings feelings of insanity, agitation, aggravation and despair. Pull down that thought and seal up your Armor!”
Immediately I repented of my foolishness. I pictured a large jar of glue. I saw God coming and sealing up the crack in my Armor. Then I began to command wrong thoughts of insecurity to leave me. I began speaking God’s Word over myself:
“I have a sound mind. I am intelligent – I have the mind of Christ. I am a confident person. I have on my Breastplate of Righteousness which protects my emotions from any feelings of insecurity. Christ’s righteousness is what makes me confident. I refuse to come under feelings of low self-esteem and rejection. I am secure in Christ because of His righteousness.”
I continued to warfare for over an hour. Little by little the demonic feelings of insanity, despair and worthlessness began to leave. By late afternoon I saw just what a demonically clever plan Satan had set up for me.
I had been duped by the devil.
Satan knew that one of my weak areas is feelings of insecurity because I earn no income and am dependent on Michael to support me.
Satan knew that just one wrong thought would send me into a tail spin. It put a crack in my Armor – just enough room for Satan to get in. And boy, did he get in.
I saw how silly I was to fall for such a ruse. Yet I fell. But now Satan’s powers were broken. My Armor was sealed.