MOTHERS WHO DON’T LOVE THEIR DAUGHTERS

file0001265520610You birthed her. Perhaps you adopted her. You prayed for her. You greatly anticipated her birth. She is beautiful, intelligent and wonderful. The secret truth is that you don’t feel love towards your daughter. You have felt like a horrible mother. You have wondered what is wrong with you. You know that this child is a wonderful gift from God – yet your affections don’t match what your head knows. You try. You pray. You fake it. Heaven forbid if anyone ever found out. “What is wrong with me?” you have asked.

You watch movies where the mother daughter connection is intense – even magical. You see other mothers interacting with their daughter, laughing, sharing, hugging, kissing. You want that. You want to feel that deep soul connection. You often have to force yourself to hug and kiss her. Sometimes you don’t want her laying her head on your shoulders. Sometimes you don’t feel like spending the afternoon with her. Sometimes you feel as if she were someone else’s child. You ache in your heart for the deep love. Will it ever happen? Will your affections ever change?

Beloved, there are many mothers who don’t feel love towards their daughters.

It is God’s will for you to receive healing, love and the restoration towards your daughter. There can be many reasons why you feel this way. Oftentimes it begins when you were a little girl. Your mother didn’t truly nurture you. Perhaps she worked alot, was busy with the other children, had a stressful relationship with her husband or was even abused by him. Perhaps she was a struggling single mother.  She wasn’t a bad mother, just not the snuggly, loving, fun, caring, adoring mother that every little girl wants. Sometimes you felt lonely. Sometimes you didn’t feel very attractive. Sometimes you just felt rejected. You often didn’t know what was missing in your life, but you certainly felt it. It was mommy love.

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When a little girl doesn’t receive the warm, nurturing love that she longs for she grows up with a vacuum. There is a deep emptiness that she learns to live with. Sometimes she fills it with drinking, drugs, sex, one relationship after another or any other type of addiction. Finally you settle down and start a family. You long to be what your  mother wasn’t – loving, tender and caring. Then the baby girl is born – yet you feel nothing. You long to show your daughter what true love means – but it doesn’t happen.  “What is wrong?” you wonder. What is wrong is that you cannot give out what hasn’t been put inside of you – mommy love. It just isn’t there. Your mommy tank is empty.

As your daughter grows you try to make a connection with her. You try to do all the right things. You try to say all the right things. Yet it still feels empty inside. You still don’t connect to this little girl. She begins to feel rejected, alone and dejected – much like you as a child.

When a little girl is never shown the nurturing love she longs for she has nothing to emulate. Her head can understand what to do but her heart is dry. Is this how you have felt? You have tried with all your might to love your daughter yet nothing really ever changes. You still feel empty emotionally. You feel a disconnect with her. You feel very bad about it but there seems nothing that you can do.

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First, admit your feelings to the Lord. Say it out loud right now. “Lord, I don’t feel the mommy love that I should towards _______. I cannot change this feeling. I ask that you would begin to fill my heart with a new love for my little girl. Supernaturally change my heart that I might love, nurture and adore my daughter. I cannot love her and I ask that you would love her through me.” This prayer should be prayed daily. Memorize it. The first step towards healing is always confession.

Next, read all my posts on The Balm of Gilead  https://jackieosinski.wordpress.com/category/balm-of-gilead/page/3/ You were hurt as a child. You need inner-healing. Until you receive healing you will not be able to love completely. Ask God to begin to show you just where the pain came in. As you begin to heal the love will slowly begin to flow. It won’t happen overnight but if you don’t give up it will happen.

Finally, “Force the love.” This simply means to show the affection that you know you should show but haven’t. When your daughter heads out the door give her a long, strong hug. Count to 10 slowly, don’t let go until you reach number 10. At first she may feel uncomfortable, you may also. That is ok, in time this will all be normal. Never let her go to bed without a goodnight kiss and prayer. Let your last words to her always be “I love You.”

No matter how old your daughter is, 10 or 31 or 51, hold her hand when you go for walks. She will feel special, loved and important. Throughout the day, whether she is home or not you will say “I love my daughter. She is valuable, loved and precious.” What this does is reaffirm to you, the devil and to God that you will choose to love your daughter – no matter what. THE FEELINGS WILL FOLLOW THE ACTIONS.

Satan wants to distance you from your daughter. He is the divider of all relationships. He stirs up anger, strife and animosity between mothers and daughters. We must fight to regain the loving relationship between us and our daughters. We must  choose to love unconditionally. Purpose in your mind that no matter what your daughter does you will love her. You may not like her decisions or her actions, but you can choose to affirm her and let her know that you still love her and care about her. Unconditional love is a choice, NOT AN EMOTION.

file5801272130943Finally, you must fall in love with yourself. You will only love others in the proportion that you love yourself. If I were to ask you how much you love yourself what would you say? Each day pray “Lord, help me to fall in love with myself.” As you continually pray this you will begin to love and appreciate the amazing person that you truly are. The result will be that you will have much more love to pour out to others, particularly your daughter.

Let’s pray. “Dear Lord, you know how my friend feels. As of this moment fill her with a new love for her daughter. Help her to see her little girl the way that you see her. Give her a new  understanding of how precious her daughter is. Let her see what a gift she is to you and to her family. Don’t let another day go by that she doesn’t tell her daughter how much she loves her. Give this mom a new heart – a mommy heart.”  In Jesus name  we pray.   amen

Give this time. It won’t happen overnight – but if you follow these steps a beautiful change will fill your heart and mind. Please share with us how this post has helped you. Blessings beloved sister.

6 thoughts on “MOTHERS WHO DON’T LOVE THEIR DAUGHTERS

  1. With Mother’s Day coming up and my mother and I estranged, it is confronting but moving as the possibility for healing and making changes are there…

    The heartbreak and longing for love from my mother as an adult over 40 years old, is very often debilitating- I have never stopped needing her love.

    I am that girl in your article- like so many readers – publicly loved but always knowing there wasn’t really an authentic love there as it was mostly conditional.

    Pray for healing for mother-daughter relationships all over the world. Pray for healing in hearts of daughters so saddened and depressed by this lack of love- still pining for many years into adulthood.

    Thanks Jackie- so much!

  2. Thank you! I’m reading this crying as I do love my daughter but can’t seem to connect with her or show her my deep love. I end up being negative and hate myself for it. Your article rings so true as I grew up with a step mom who was not loving – my real mom died when I was 2. I’ve always wanted a daughter to have a mommy-daughter relationship with but it’s not at all how I imagined it would be. She’s 10 now and I feel we fight all the time. I want to just have a strong loving relationship with her but it’s not happened. I feel desperately sad. I will try the positive things you suggest – but she doesnt like me hugging her so that makesme angry and resentful…I know I’m the grown up and should rise above her rejection but I find it very hard and it makes me feel angry towards her. But every day i wake up & say it will be different & one day I hope it will be.

    • Clara, my heart goes out to you. I am praying the two of you will experience that deep mother-daughter connection God created us to have. I would encourage you to go on a 90 day fast. There is something very spiritual going on here and it needs to be broken. I feel that your daughter has resentment and unforgiveness towards you. Have you ever asked her forgiveness for the way your actions have been? Read my post How to Say I am Sorry https://jackieosinski.wordpress.com/2011/09/06/how-to-say-i-am-sorry/ Your daughter loves you very much – she just doesn’t know how to connect to you. As you fast and pray God will speak to you. If you are not journaling it would be helpful to begin. Standing with you in faith and love.

  3. Sometimes mom just shouldnt be moms. As adults, we take responsibility for ALL our actions. For you to say she wasnt really a bad mother IS disingenous at best. There really are moms who are at fault. Your really saying
    Its your fault for being too sensative and not understanding her plight!
    Again as adults we take responsibility for our actions. Why cant you let a bad mom take the rap? Why are you blaming the child who really has no reference point for life or acceptence but thru her mother.
    I find this culture of continual child blame, as mothers are perfect, particularly christian.
    Christian FAIL

    • You make an excellent point. What I was trying to convey in this particular sentence was the type of mother who sincerely did want to do the very best that she could as a parent yet could not make the emotional connection with her daughter. But yes, let’s say it…. there are bad moms out there and they need to be called out. Thank you for your clear convictions and sharing them.

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